The Evils of Chocolate
by ntrophi
Summary: Random piece of TSW silliness. Also the first Elliot fic, I believe! The poor Major has a bad day. A very bad day. Hein is not his usual self. Cookies (chocolate ones of course) to those who review!


Author note: I do believe this is the first Major Elliot fic on the site. Ever. Poor guy doesn't get treated well though.  
This is a piece of patented Phi-madness, brought on by not sleeping. At all. Feel sorry for any character that ends up in my grasp after I've had an insomnia fix.  
I don't own 'em. Nuff said.  
Enjoy! Cookies to reviewers, spiked chocolate bars to those don't *giggle*  
  
  
  
'Do this, Major. Do that, Major. Make sure those scientists never escape from the pit of death into which you throw them, Major...' Major Elliot muttered as he walked through the corridors of the military base in Barrier City 42.  
  
'If he ever gives me a stupid order again, I swear I'm going to kill him...' Yes, life was one of almost utter servitude for our dear Major. Never able to actually make his own decisions about anything, he was stuck carrying out the orders of someone he believed to becoming more and more mentally unstuck as time went by.  
  
'Yesterday he told me to go and kill all the Phantom's first born sons!' he muttered increduously, stopping just outside the door that led to what he thought of as Hell. '"If it worked for Moses," he said. "Why can't it work for us?" Idiot...'  
All thoughts of hate towards his boss disappeared as he opened the door to the office and saluted brightly.  
  
'Good morning, General,' he said. *Ready for another day of complete nonsense,* General Hein; stood by his window as always, turned around suddenly and pointed a finger at Elliot.  
  
'Did anyone follow you?' he said suspiciously, eyes slitting at the still-open door. Elliot had to try hard to keep both eyebrows from raising.  
  
'No, sir. And I am alone,' Hein moved quickly to the door, peered outside and quickly ushered Elliot in, closing the door.  
  
'Can't be too careful, Major,' he said, nodding to himself before heading back to the window and looking out tensely.   
Elliot allowed one eyebrow to raise as he looked around the room. There was the usual junk, that he always had to tidy away before visitors came; discarded handguns, empty bottles of whiskey, strangely shaped pieces of sponge...  
  
Then, his eyes rested on the empty box; the box that had been full of Mars Bars only yesterday. Elliot almost slapped himself in the head. He had meant to take that box away with him when he had left the General last night. Not many people knew that Hein was addicted to chocolate. Not only was he addicted, but eating too much of it caused him to have delusions of paranoia, psychotic episodes and also made him much more homicidal than usual. Elliot could see it all now. The General had stayed the entire night in his office, snarfing down Mars bars and growing more delusional by the second. But this was different. The General seemed... even more strange than usual. After a chocolate binge, he usually just curled up into a ball and hid in the corner of his office for an hour or so. At the moment, he was looking suspiciously at the plant on his desk; as if accusing it of trying to creep up on him.  
  
And now Elliot had to deal with him for a whole day.  
  
'Sir,' he said, taking a step towards the twitching General. Hein looked towards him suddenly; bloodshot eyes darting all over the place. Elliot guessed that the cacao-addicted man hadn't had much sleep last night; the combined effects of the sugar and the paranoia keeping him awake.  
  
'Major...' he said edgily. 'Don't you come any closer... I warn you, I am armed!' He pulled something out of his pocket, making Elliot jump. That is until he realised that the said weapon was actually a half-eaten Mars bar that had survived the frenzy until now. Hein's eyes settled on the candy.  
  
'Darn. They've taken my gun and turned it into a delicious treat. Curse those Phantoms!!' Elliot rolled his eyes as Hein let out a melodramatic moan and fell to the floor, scoffing the Mars bar as he went.  
  
'They don't pay me nearly enough for this...'  
  
  
Ten minutes later, Elliot was leading the now-babbling Hein through one of the quieter corridors of the base. He had to take the General to see one of the scientists. Another day of chocolate-fuelled madness, and both of them would be in serious danger of losing whatever grasp on sanity they had left.  
  
'LookoutforthePhantomsMajorotherwisetheymightcreepupbehindusandthenwewon'tknowhathituntilitwasfartoolate!' Hein said, all in one breath as he cowered behind a corner. Elliot rolled his eyes, grabbed the General by the lapel and started to drag him along the corridor.  
  
'Just come along quietly, sir,' he muttered through gritted teeth.  
  
'Where's my gun? Oh wait...' Hein mused. 'They turned it into a Mars bar... And then I ate it!' He collapsed into a foetal ball again, causing Elliot to make himself count to three hundred and seventeen in Chinese to try and calm himself.  
  
'Sir!' he said, mock-importantly.  
  
'What is it, Major?' Hein growled. 'I have a very important meeting with the Council right now,' Elliot frowned, looking down. Hein was talking to his fingers about the danger of letting your gun get turned into a piece of candy.  
  
'The Phantoms are gaining on us, sir. If we don't hurry, they might turn us into candy!' Hein leapt to his feet, peering down the corridor. Then, he looked back at Elliot and gasped.  
  
'You're right, Major!' His tone lowered to a conspiring whisper. 'But if they should catch us, and turn us into delicious snacks, then I promise I won't eat you, except out of mercy,' Elliot smiled disbelievingly.  
  
'That's good to know, sir. Now, to the labs before the Phantoms get here,' Hein's eyes narrowed.  
  
'Who's the General here?'  
  
'You are, sir,'  
  
'So I get to give orders, yes?'  
  
'Of course, sir,' Hein struck a stupid, heroic pose and pointed back the way they had come.  
  
'To the labs!' Elliot grabbed him before he sprinted back to his office.  
  
'Labs are the other way, sir,'  
  
'I knew that,'  
  
'Of course, sir...'  
  
  
Soon, they were down at the labs, where Dr Sid was watching Hein give a stirring speech to a pot plant.  
  
'I always had my suspicions,' he muttered, turning back to the stressed out Major Elliot. 'You'll have to stay down here with him until I can get to him. We've had a lot of delusional chocolate eating patients come by here in the past few days,' He gestured to a room to his left. Elliot peered in, and was surprised at the amount of people babbling like idiots. There was half the Council, a few random soldiers... Even Dr Aki Ross was in there, trying to hide from her own hand.  
  
'Wow... What caused all this, doctor?' Elliot asked. Sid shrugged.  
  
'We think it was a spiked crate of Mars bars. We caught the culprits, all four from a squad called "The Deep Eyes" They'll be court-martialled once the Council regains it's sanity.  
  
'So they can be cured?' Sid nodded.  
  
'Oh yes. It just takes a few days and a little patience,' Elliot looked back at Hein and swallowed deeply. The General had now taken off his boots and was talking to his toes. From what he could gather, the pot plants and the toes were about to have a full scale war.  
  
Patience was going to be scarce.  
  
  
'Get down from there, General!' Elliot yelled, watching as Hein tried to climb up a bookshelf.  
  
'I can't, Major! I have to reach the pinnacle of this mountain and obtain the sacred herb! Otherwise my dragon will die!' Elliot gaped increduously.  
  
'What the hell are you talking about?!' he exclaimed, running a hand through his hair. Hein, already precariously balanced on the bookcase, pointed to his discarded trenchcoat with one hand. Elliot vaguely remembered that the General had been feeding the coat water and talking to it soothingly.  
  
'Sir? I think you've gone a little nuts,' Elliot said, a little calmer. 'Just come down here so we can find the doctor and give you something to knock you out,' Hein frowned, cupping his ear with one hand.  
  
'What? Nuts? We need a herb, Major!' he said, the bookcase teetering on it's edge. 'A sacred herb!' As he yelled the word "herb" the bookcase let out a creak and fell over, bringing Hein with it.  
  
'Heeelp!' Hein whimpered, lying on his back with a book pinning him down. 'I can't move. There's a bear on my chest,' Elliot shook his head and moved to sit down on the other side of the room.  
  
'It's a book, you hallucinating idiot,' he muttered, settling back. For all he cared right now, Hein could go and throw himself into Phantom-infested territory, armed with nothing but a small haddock.  
  
'Heeeelp! If only they hadn't taken my gun away!' Hein shrieked.  
  
  
The next three days went past pretty much in the same fashion. Highlights included Hein trying to save a wall from the evil of the Phantoms and a very strange conversation between Hein, Aki and a random Council member. Elliot had watched from about three feet away as the three had decided that a giant pizza was the only way that they were going to destroy the invaders. Aki had volunteered to create the pizza, Hein was going to use the Zeus cannon to cook it and the random Council member was going to make sure that no-one got in the way. Not long after, Elliot's illustrious boss had decided to take to wander off without any kind of mention. Elliot had eventually found him in the main bioetheric lab, fiddling with a very disgruntled looking fish.  
  
And now? Now Hein was asleep, knocked out by one of Sid's handy inventions. It turned out that everyone who had eaten the spiked Mars bars was impervious to drugs when given in IV form, and none of them would eat anything that didn't look like candy. So, Sid had come up with the ingenious method of feeding them M&Ms before holding them down on the ground and squirting three syringes full of liquid prozac down their throats. Yeah, they ended up so relaxed that they fell asleep, and didn't even bother chasing their hallucinations around the room anymore. And Sid said that prozac addiction wouldn't be a problem as there wasn't any left now.  
  
So, poor Hein was sleeping like a baby, hugging his trenchcoat and sucking his thumb. Elliot couldn't help but feel sorry for him, even though he had made the last three days of his life a living Hell.  
  
'Not just the last three days,' he muttered, wiping a hand across his face, yawning. He moved over to the chair beside where Hein was sleeping and sat down, getting ready to sleep. Four days of chasing a hyperactive, hallucinating Hein was tiresome to say the least.  
  
He cast one final look over at Hein before allowing his eyes to drift closed. Poor little General. Succumbing to a practical joke from a group of infantry soldiers. At least it wouldn't happen again...  
  
Right?  
  
  
On the other side of the base, just outside Hein's office, there was a box. It looked like an ordinary box, but it was far from normal.  
  
'I really hate doing this. What if we get caught again, Captain?'  
  
'We won't. Remember we're giving these candy apples to the Council as well,'  
  
'One of these days we'll end up killing them, y'know, sir,'  
  
'I know that, but I need this time to make Aki love me again,'  
  
'Uhh... Wasn't she in the psycho ward when we struck with the Mars bars?'  
  
'A minor problem. This time she'll be fine...'  
  
'What did you put in them this time, sir?'  
  
'The same, but more than last time. They'll be hallucinating for a week,'  
  
'You are so evil, Captain!'  
  
'I know,'  
  
All four members of the Deep Eyes squad turned and looked in the direction of the labs as a long, loud scream could be heard.  
  
'Was that Elliot?' Jane asked suspiciously. Gray shugged.  
  
'Couldn't be. Not unless he was psychic or something...'  



End file.
